I have been shocked and surprised by the comments people (many of them close friends and family) since I found out I was having twins, early in Tri1. One of my close friends said to me in the same conversation I told her the news "oh but yes there's that vanishing twin syndrome isn't there?" I of course knew that and had just been filled with dread and doubt at the hospital so just did not need to hear it from anyone else.
Then from early on I was told I was at risk of losing Twin2 and a friend said to me, trying to comfort me, a mental health worker "well I guess humans just aren't designed to have twins." I was also told by several people to "focus on the strong one." I restrained myself... but really you would never say that to someone with two children if one was ill so why is it OK to say it in utero. From the moment I laid eyes on them my heart and focus has been entirely fixed on willing that both will be born in good health. I don't have the option of picking and choosing which one I care about most.
I also have lots of people who love to tell me (often in the same conversation that I am announcing they are twins) that I must never dress them the same (actually I might do sometimes, I will teach them how to celebrate their unique sameness as much as their difference), that they must be in different classes at school (because of course there is lots of evidence that unecessarily separating them from their most natural support system is beneficial - NOT), that they are likely to have underdeveloped speech (this last one is a misnomer and the only reason why twins are more likely to have slower speech development is because they are at higher risk of preemie birth and the developmental milestones preemie babies should be but often aren't measured from their gestational due date rather than DOB).
I also get lots of people who ask if I used IVF. I didn't, but really, is my fertility any of your business?!
People are strange. I think in pregnancy social boundaries shift in a peculiar way anyway - so like suddenly it's OK to make comments about your weight or your skin. With twins then that shift seems to occur ten fold.
I feel utterly blessed to be having two babies so please stop pissing on my fireworks.
Hello, I have never written to you before and was very worried when you hadn't written that something had gone wrong, I am very pleased to hear that they are both staying strong. As for what people say when they are faced with a situation they have no idea what is going on. I have come across a few myself. I have never had twins but I did have my son pass away last August and we have other children and the things people have said to me rally took me back. "you have the other boys so at least they are healthy" "maybe it's gods way of saying you shouldn't have any more kids" I am now pg and things are looking good so far (19 weeks) and they say it is a girl so now I get "You had to lose Gage so you could finally get your girl" Why can't I have both? I have learned that most people do not know what to say to "bad" news or potential bad news so they wind up talking out of their ass. I am very happy you are holding out hope for both of your babies, you were given both of them to love and cherish from the beginning and hope and faith are all that can keep us from losing our minds with worry so don't let them rain on your parade and keep celebrating them both.
ReplyDeleteHi Sara, thank you for your post and your concern, it's very thoughtful. I have had a very challenging few months in between my posts. I do intend to update at some point but it really knocked it out of me and I was frightened of putting it into words for fear of making it more real. Things are looking better for my girls now but with every worry the hospital takes away there seems to be another close behind to replace it. I do agree that faith and hope have kept me from losing my mind and I have surprised myself with the strength I have had to keep a firm hold of them both.
ReplyDeleteIs that Gage in the picture? He looks beautiful. I am so sorry for your loss. I am sure nothing will ever take the pain of losing him away but that equally that nothing will ever take away the love that he brought you. Each child is separate and loved and cherished and one can't take away or replace the love of another.
I am happy to hear you are 19 weeks and hope your pregnancy continues well as a new little life grows inside and that you enjoy every flutter.
I know what you mean about putting into words and it making it more real. I actually had family telling me I should terminate. That was really hard to feel like no one had faith in how strong he was or no one believed he deserved a chance. I imagine the comments about focusing on "healthy" one make you feel the same way. Sadly you will always come across "ignorant" people. Just to let you know, I have a friend who has twin girls, they are 11 or 12 now and she dressed them alike, when they got older they wanted to be dressed alike and now they still do but in different colors. Your kids will let you know how they want to individualize themselves, until then you get to dress them cute. :)
ReplyDeleteYeah that is Gage, he is my little angel. It is very hard and even with a healthy pg this time I am still so scared and having a hard time accepting that I get to keep this one. Thank you for your kind words. I hope you can learn to weed out the good with the bad, Even with the drs. Remember they are also just human and make mistakes too and want to prepare you for the "possible" bad outcome just in case, I haven't found many who will dish out hope. Have faith in the strength of your girls and know that girls are proven stronger than boys. I look forward to hearing about your journey.
Wow...you have been gone for so LONG!! I'm hoping everything is okay, and if you're wondering if anyone reads this..I do..I check you atleast once a week. I would love to follow your progress and pregnancy and all the joys that come with that. Again I hope everything is GREAT!!
ReplyDeleteLinda G.