The First Mountain

Thursday 24th February

We turn up at the hospital bang on 9 and there's already a queue. I assume I am in for another long wait but have barely got my bum on my seat before she calls me through, by my married name which still sounds novel and new. I slip onto the pillow and she inserts the probe into me. I have told your Dad to squeeze my hand as soon as he sees you to let me know you are both still there. He squeezes, lightly, twice but his eyes don't move from the screen so I assume he has forgotten the deal. He must feel my eyes fixed on his face as he eventually turns and gently nods. A relief sweeps through me knowing you are both still there but then the next question swipes the relief aside replacing it with yet more worry. "Can you see the hearts beat?" The Sonographer is younger than last week and is easily flustered by my rapid questioning. She's found one heart beat... my own heart beat races... "And the other?" She warns me that one of them is easier to make out but that this is ordinary with twins.

Eventually she turns the screen towards me "the first is very definitely showing off" she says and points towards you the wiggling showman bean on the screen and brushes her finger over the winking pulse of your heart. "The second," she says as she twists the probe in me "is a bit more shy." The shy bean isn't wiggling so much and is tucked quietly into a corner. I wonder if you are resting or at an angle but your heart is beating just like your showman sibling. She says she's never seen twins so early on and for a moment her eyes well up and she looks flushed with emotion.

Then the Sonographer points towards the thick membrane between the pair of you and says she would hedge her bets that you weren't identical. This is a good thing she tells me as it means there is a lower risk associated with fraternal twins. Your Dad laments the lost photo opportunities. She has some concern about the possible discrepancy between your sizings and I am told I will have to come back in another 3 weeks. She is cautious of promising me to much and I find the absence of definite reassurance disconcerting. I wish for a few moments of quiet just to watch you but the procedure is swift and clinical and she moves the image swiftly onto my Ovaries focusing on the black mark on my right ovary, which is where she tells me the egg was released from.

I have to see the Consultant before I leave and she seems more confident in imparting the information that I want to hear. There seem to be a few reassuring explanations for the size difference. Firstly that you, Shy Bean are at a different angle to you Showman Bean, making it difficult to measure. Secondly that it can be normal for there to be a difference in your growth rates. Or thirdly, she tells me that you were possibly not conceived on the same day because of how long both the egg and the sperm can survive in the womb, there can be up to a week difference. Importantly you are viable and she says the signs are looking good. Aside from that I am not taking much else in. It's like a gelatinous wave of information has enveloped me.

I don't care whether you are identical or not, I don't care if you are boys, or girls, or one of each. All I want is for you to be well. I know that the wait until the next scan will seem endless and that most probably the worry will build. But for today, my babies, we have climbed the first mountain and I want to rest and enjoy the view. Your hearts are both beating and that means life.