The internet

Wednesday 16th February

I watch a clip of a Mum giving birth to twins on the internet, except I find it hard to think about the brutality of a C-section as "giving-birth," it's more like the twins are removed from her body. The woman is separated from any action by a three foot or so curtain. She looks like a head in a box. I try and imagine myself in her position, just able to hear, but not see or even feel her babies entering the world. The baby's are whipped out of her and taken to two bays, sometime later, I am sure it felt like an eternity for her, they are waved in front of her face. I sob, your Dad thinks I am crying with happiness, till he realises it is something quite different. Maybe I need to come to terms with the fact that all births are pretty brutal.

Next I google "twin baby bumps" this sets the fear deep within and my body pumps me with adrenaline. I touch my stomach uncertain about how the skin can stretch so far. Before and after photos escalate the problem, one woman's stomach looks like a deflated human belly balloon that has been hacked with a clever. My body is overdosing me on adrenaline now.

I phone my sister in a panic. My sister, let's call her Alisia, tells me that internet stories are either unrealistically positive or negative because people don't have an interest in the middle ground.

I am imposing an internet ban on googling for self-diagnosis.