Wednesday 2nd March
It's strange, having a secret. I am not very good with secrets. Good or bad I have to engage in a constant battle of will to keep them inside.
I have told a few, my closest friends and family, those who I would need by my side if the worst happened, these people know about you. Then when I found out there were two of you I felt more cautious letting even those people know. Only some of those close friends and family know there are two of you but for most I have kept you a secret.
My deepest fear is that if I lost one of you that people who knew would look at the one who remained as though there was always something missing, never complete. I fear that most because I fear that of myself. My greatest fear is losing one of you, not both of you. I fear watching you grow knowing that your brother or sister is missing. I know it sounds ridiculous and maybe it is because losing one of you is the most real risk I am facing. Maybe the other, losing both of you, feels more distant and difficult to imagine because it is so much less likely.
These thoughts slip into my consciousness and I try my best to deflect them back into my subconsciousness.
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